a messy, windy road.

I always knew I’d be back here.  Writing again.  I suppose it’s fate, or destiny.  Or habit even.  Though I resist, and tug and pull and try different things, I always come back to the blank page.  But the page has been empty for a while.  I’ve abandoned tens of blogs and journals.  Only to come back.  A fresh start.

I guess some of us need to travel down different pathways only to come back to the main road again.  And this is my road.  Always has been.  It’s difficult.  Easy to get sidetracked.  Easier still, to become trapped.  Hardest to escape.  Hardest to come back to what feels like I was supposed to be doing the whole time.

Maybe that’s shame.  Maybe that’s regret.  Maybe it’s me not wanting to admit I made mistakes.  Maybe it’s me trying to find reasons for why I keep going in circles and circles, and never am I getting anywhere.  A hamster stuck on this wheel.  In life.  But there came a day recently where I realized I didn’t want to do it anymore.  I didn’t want to die.  But I didn’t want to live anymore either.  What do you do when you’re that stuck?

What do you do when you’re so lost?  When you’re so used to being lost that… you’ve given up finding a way out?  So what if I failed?  So what if I took this long road that was meant to please and make others happy at the expense of myself.  Was any of it worth anything?  What did I learn?

I suppose I learned a lot by comparison.  I watched others fail.  Watched others reach for the stars.  I rooted and cheered them on.  I wondered when I’d find my own star to reach for.  And many paths and many stars I felt envious of.  I felt the pressure of needing to follow them as well.  But none were really, exactly the one.  None of them were really mine.  That was a denial I lived in for a decade.  I became so lost trying to be like all of you, to be the kind of girl you wanted… that I forgot who I really was.

I guess that’s what the road does.  It takes you by the hand.  It shoves you.  It teaches you.  Sometimes it teaches you falsehoods that you begin to adopt as law.  But that’s when you figure out you’ve been traveling someone else’s road all along.  Always.  Always someone else’s path, I’ve been tagging along on.  So I resisted, I became rebellious, resentful, angry even.  This isn’t my road.

This wasn’t supposed to be my life.

So I came back here to start again, from the beginning.  I traveled a long way down many roads that were never mine.  But maybe for a lot of us, that becomes our path in life for a while.  You can never be found… if you were never lost in the first place.

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