You must have thought that your contradictions
would paint you as complex.
But everything stops looking rose-colored
once the truth starts bleeding into the hues.
You can love me like a half-hearted excuse,
but darling, you’re fooling yourself.
All you have done is grind down your grandeur,
and whittle away my devoted perception of you.
Spill yourself into me,
and let the contents of our haste
swirl in a bubbling hot maelstrom.
A brew made for the groggy,
for we are clouded by desire
and certain to cool in the hours after.
His eyes dark eyes
reflected to me
the insatiable black hole that hungered inside.
Yet he portrayed an odd character,
with a mustache plumed in 18th century fashion.
But I could not be deceived,
for he smelled as sickly sweet
as all the others I could not deny before.
+++ Notes +++
I went to Starbucks today and got a cake pop I’ve never seen before. We regarded each other for a dear, desperate moment before he was consumed.
I made sure to capture that moment and turn it into a troll photo for instagramified poetry.
I am sublimley happy, regardless of my circumstance.
The only thing permanent is change.
And it is coming for me, my time, my surroundings, my everything.
so I’ve learned that loving you
gains me nothing.
promises to be broken
wishes that do not come true
and smiles that are gifted to someone else.
so I’ve learned from loving you
that I have promises to keep
wishes to make
and smiles to save for someone new.
Here on earth we are bound by laws. Earthly laws. Worldly. Societal. Economic. Political. Whatever origin defines these laws, they operate on the premise of sustaining the world. Or controlling it. For many, these laws become a chain-link fence. A prison. Defining success, happiness, and ultimately our lives.
Some of us are comfortable within these laws. Some of us are wearing masks and trying to fit in. Trying to impress. Trying to stick to the standard. Some of us are squeezed to the end like overused toothpaste tubes. Whatever’s left of us, designated to the same job of cleaning or serving forever the purposes and causes that are not ours.
I am a long time abider of earth law.
And I have been for a long time… longing to offend it as well.
I always knew I’d be back here. Writing again. I suppose it’s fate, or destiny. Or habit even. Though I resist, and tug and pull and try different things, I always come back to the blank page. But the page has been empty for a while. I’ve abandoned tens of blogs and journals. Only to come back. A fresh start.
I guess some of us need to travel down different pathways only to come back to the main road again. And this is my road. Always has been. It’s difficult. Easy to get sidetracked. Easier still, to become trapped. Hardest to escape. Hardest to come back to what feels like I was supposed to be doing the whole time.
Maybe that’s shame. Maybe that’s regret. Maybe it’s me not wanting to admit I made mistakes. Maybe it’s me trying to find reasons for why I keep going in circles and circles, and never am I getting anywhere. A hamster stuck on this wheel. In life. But there came a day recently where I realized I didn’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t want to die. But I didn’t want to live anymore either. What do you do when you’re that stuck?
What do you do when you’re so lost? When you’re so used to being lost that… you’ve given up finding a way out? So what if I failed? So what if I took this long road that was meant to please and make others happy at the expense of myself. Was any of it worth anything? What did I learn?
I suppose I learned a lot by comparison. I watched others fail. Watched others reach for the stars. I rooted and cheered them on. I wondered when I’d find my own star to reach for. And many paths and many stars I felt envious of. I felt the pressure of needing to follow them as well. But none were really, exactly the one. None of them were really mine. That was a denial I lived in for a decade. I became so lost trying to be like all of you, to be the kind of girl you wanted… that I forgot who I really was.
I guess that’s what the road does. It takes you by the hand. It shoves you. It teaches you. Sometimes it teaches you falsehoods that you begin to adopt as law. But that’s when you figure out you’ve been traveling someone else’s road all along. Always. Always someone else’s path, I’ve been tagging along on. So I resisted, I became rebellious, resentful, angry even. This isn’t my road.
This wasn’t supposed to be my life.
So I came back here to start again, from the beginning. I traveled a long way down many roads that were never mine. But maybe for a lot of us, that becomes our path in life for a while. You can never be found… if you were never lost in the first place.